New Testament Plot Fixes

Jesus' repentance and baptism under John
required a lot of explanation.

We modern people are sophisticated consumers of media. In our commercially oriented lives, we have heard more sales pitches than people in any other time or place in history. We hear and evaluate propaganda from our political and societal leaders. We are better educated, savvier, and harder to fool than ever. Today we find it easy to read between the lines and guess at an author’s motives. The Christian gospels were written for a less sophisticated audience, so it’s easy for us to see through them. The gospels were written generations after Jesus’ ministry, and all four of them plus Paul’s letters include “elaborations”. With our modern eye for shams, we can see the authors struggling to make the historical elements fit their mythic Christ figure. In particular, many parts of the New Testament read like answers to skeptical questions that 1st-century Christians may have heard from their dubious neighbors. Here is a list of hypothetical skeptical questions and the Bible verses that look like early Christian responses to them. 

Scripture Sources

Responses to each question are in chronological order, as found in the following works.

  Q, a lost compilation of Jesus’ sayings, written by c 50

  Paul’s letters about theology and conduct, written c 60

  Mark’s gospel, about how Jesus had secretly been the Messiah, written c 70

  Matthew’s gospel, which is Mark + Q + extras, edited for a Jewish audience, written c 80

  Luke’s gospel, which is Mark + Q + extras, edited for a gentile audience, written c 90

  John’s gospel, a bold retelling with an all-divine, not-at-all-secret Jesus, written c 100

Skeptical Question: If Jesus was the Son of David, why was he from Nazareth instead of from Bethlehem? 

  Matthew: Jesus was born in Bethlehem where his father lived, but they had to flee to Nazareth (by way of Egypt) to escape evil King Herod.

  Luke: There was this weird census, and Jesus ended up being born in Bethlehem because that’s where his father’s lineage was from.

SQ: If angels or wise men came to herald Jesus’ birth, why didn’t Jesus’ neighbors know he was special? (The story of Jesus’ neighbors not having faith in him is in Mark and Matthew.)

  Matthew: Jesus family was lying low, since the authorities were out to get Jesus. 

  Luke: Mary kept Jesus’ miraculous birth to herself.

SQ: John the Baptist preached about a great apocalyptic figure to come, but he never named Jesus as that figure. Why didn’t John recognize him?

  Q, Matthew, Luke: John was in prison when Jesus started his ministry, but he sent his followers to ask about Jesus, and that’s how he came to recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

SQ: If the Holy Spirit came to Jesus the instant he was baptized, why didn’t John recognize him then?

  Mark: As soon as the Holy Spirit came to Jesus, it drove him into the wilderness. John was already in prison when Jesus came back and started his ministry, so John never had the chance to recognize Jesus. 

  Matthew: Actually, John did recognize Jesus, but secretly. In fact, Jesus was born of a virgin, so he was already the Son of God before he was baptized, and John recognized him as such.

  Luke: Actually, John did recognize Jesus. In fact, Jesus was born of a virgin, and John recognized him as the Son of God before the two of them were born (because their mothers were cousins, you see). 

  John: What are you talking about? Jesus was never baptized. That’s for sinners. He’s the incarnation of God’s own Word, the pure Lamb of God. And John the Baptist told everyone that Jesus was the great figure that he had predicted. We have his sworn testimony on record. 

SQ: But why did Jesus get baptized anyway? If he was the perfect Son of God, then why did he need baptism for the remission of sins? Was he a follower of John’s?

  Matthew: Of course he didn’t need to be baptized, and John said as much privately, but Jesus insisted that they do the baptism in order to fulfill all righteousness. 

  Luke: Why are you so fixated on Jesus’ baptism anyway? The Holy Spirit came to Jesus after John was done baptizing everyone, when Jesus was praying.

  John: Jesus showed up where John was baptizing people, but he didn’t get baptized himself.

SQ: If Jesus was the Son of God, why didn’t he tell people? 

  Mark, Matthew, Luke: It was a secret.  

  John: What do you mean, not tell people? He told everyone who would sit still that he was eternally one with the Father. That’s why those devilish Jews wanted to kill him. 

SQ: Jesus said that we in this generation wouldn’t get a sign, but if he had given people signs, wouldn’t more people have believed and gotten saved? Wouldn’t mighty signs have brought more people to your church? 

  Q, Matthew, Luke: You know what, that’s exactly what the Devil said to Jesus in the desert. Satan tempted Jesus with the easy route of proving his divinity by mighty signs. So no he didn’t just win people over with special effects. That would have been giving in to Satan. 

  John: What do you mean, no sign? Jesus’ ministry is basically six miraculous signs proving his divinity, with his resurrection as the mystical seventh sign.

SQ: What did Jesus mean when he said that the hungry were the ones with God’s blessing? Going without food is a curse, not a blessing. And how can the poor be blessed? Wealth is a blessing, not poverty. Was he crazy, like his family thought? (Jesus says that the hungry and the poor are blessed in Q, Luke, and Thomas. Jesus’ family thinks he’s out of his mind in Mark.)

  Matthew: What he said was, blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness. Also, blessed are the poor in spirit. He wasn’t talking about physical hunger or poverty. 

SQ: I talked with some other disciples, and they never said anything about Moses and Elijah showing up to give Jesus their endorsement. 

  Mark, Matthew, Luke: Actually, only Peter, James, and John saw that. 

SQ: While Jesus was alive, even Peter, James, and John didn’t say anything about Jesus meeting Moses and Elijah. 

  Mark, Matthew, Luke: Jesus swore the three of them to secrecy.

SQ: If Jesus was the anointed king of the Jews and their savior, why did they reject him? If the Jews didn’t accept him, why should gentiles? 

  Mark: The Jews only rejected Jesus because he intentionally hid his message from them. He taught in obscure parables so that the Jews would lose their opportunity to repent and thus be destroyed.

  Luke: Jesus came for all people, not just the Jews. Jews in his hometown tried to kill him at the start of his ministry when he told them that his saving message was for gentiles, too. 

  John: The Jews are basically in league with Satan. 

SQ: If Jesus was God’s Son and everything, why were the Romans able to nail him up on a cross like a runaway slave? 

  Paul: Being “hung on a tree” allowed Jesus to suffer a curse of guilt, which otherwise would never afflict a perfect being. It was all part of God’s plan.

  Mark, Matthew, Luke: That was all part of Jesus’ plan. He even taught the disciples about how he was going to be killed and resurrected. 

SQ: If Jesus taught the disciples that he was going to die and then rise from the dead, why were they surprised when he was killed and when he rose from the dead? 

  Mark: They didn’t understand his teaching.

  Luke: They didn’t understand his teaching because Jesus used veiled language.

SQ: If the crucifixion was all in God’s plan, why did Jesus cry out in despair as he was dying on the cross? (Reported in Mark and Matthew.)

  Luke, John: What do you mean? He took his crucifixion in stride, with no show of fear, pain, or weakness. The crucifixion didn’t even kill him. He willed his own death when the time was right, in accordance with scripture.

SQ: So if the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate had Jesus crucified, does that mean Jesus was an enemy of Rome? (In the late 60s, Jews across the empire were in revolt, making this question particularly salient.)

  Mark: It was really the Jews who were behind it. Pilate couldn’t even figure out why they wanted Jesus dead and offered to release him. 

  Matthew: Pilate’s wife told him Jesus was innocent based on a dream she had, and Pilate washed his hands to symbolize that he did not participate in the judgment. The Jews called for his death, accepting the guilt of their act on themselves and their children. 

  Luke: Pilate found Jesus innocent, but the Jews called for his death.

  John: Pilate tried twice to release Jesus, and he even placed Jesus in his own judgment seat. But the Jews screamed that he should be crucified.

SQ: Bodies of crucified criminals are thrown to the dogs. How was there a tomb for Mary Magdalene to visit? 

  Mark, Matthew, Luke, John: A respected member of the Jewish council took Jesus’ body for burial. 

SQ: You say Jesus supposedly “appeared” to a couple followers after his death. So what? Sometimes people see things.

  Paul: He appeared to 500 people at once. Five hundred people can’t just be “seeing things”.

  Luke: Is that right? Well, the disciples didn’t believe the women at first, either, but then they learned the truth. Don’t be like them.

  John: Actually, there was a disciple who doubted, too, but once he put his fingers in Jesus’ wounds, he believed. Don’t be like him. 

SQ: Now that Jesus is dead, you Christians are claiming that he taught stuff that no one has heard before.

  Mark: He taught the disciples secret knowledge. That’s why you haven’t heard this stuff before.

  John: Jesus told us disciples that he would send us messages in prayer, so some of this teaching is new to us, too. But it’s still Jesus saying it.

SQ: The disciples don’t have any authority. They’re just a bunch of guys that tagged along after Jesus.

  Mark, Matthew, Luke: Actually, Jesus hand-picked his disciples and even knew their names before talking to them. 

SQ: Jesus never said that the disciples had any of his authority or set any of them up as a leader.

  Matthew: During a private meeting, Jesus gave authority to Peter and to the disciples. 

  John: When he came back from the dead, Jesus breathed the Holy Spirit over the disciples, giving them the authority to forgive sins, or not. And another time when he was back from the dead, he told Peter to feed his sheep, meaning lead the church.

SQ: Jesus never baptized anyone. Why are you Christians baptizing people? That was John the Baptist’s thing.

  Matthew: When Jesus came back from the dead, he told the disciples to baptize people.

  John: Jesus did too baptize people. In fact, his disciples led a bigger baptism campaign than John did. 

SQ: I get having a meal in Jesus’ honor, but where does all this sacrificial blood imagery come from? (A once-lost document called the Didache reveals an early Christian community with a memorial meal but without a blood covenant.)

  Paul, Mark, Matthew, Luke, John: Jesus privately established a new covenant in his blood. 

SQ: When Jesus was alive and for the following 20 years, his sect was strictly Jewish. Now this guy Paul is founding gentile congregations, and gentiles no longer have to convert to Judaism to become Christian. That can't be right.

  Matthew: Once when Jesus appeared to the disciples after his death, he told them to make converts in all nations. The Jews used to be God’s Chosen, but now it’s the Christians. 

  Luke: Jesus said right from the start that he had come for all people, which is why his wicked Jewish neighbors tried to throw him off a cliff.

All these cover stories point back to a historical Jesus. Christopher Hitchens said that the amount of fabrication in the gospels is impressive evidence that the stories are based on a historical figure. (Here’s a link to the video.) If there hadn’t been a historical Jesus doing things like getting baptized, the reasoning goes, then there would be no need for these layers of justification. Mainstream historians reach much the same conclusion.