Concepts & Terms
The book High Conflict has several concepts and practices that seem like pure gold. In particular, I have seen looping lead to productive dialogues on hot topics that are otherwise impossible to discuss.
Fourth way. A way to go through conflict that’s more satisfying than running away, fighting, or staying silent, the three usual paths. Leaning into the conflict.
Illusion of communication. The extremely common and mistaken belief that we have communicated something, when we have not.
Looping for understanding. An iterative, active listening technique in which the person listening reflects back what the person talking seems to have said—and checks to see if the summary was right. Developed by Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein and detailed in their book Challenging Conflict.
“Tell me more.” Simon Greer’s ground rules were: “We’re going to take seriously the things everyone holds dear”, “We’re not going to try to convince each other we’re wrong”, and, “We’re going to be curious”. The phrase “tell me more” embodies these rules, and it’s a handy response whenever someone says something that you don’t know how to respond to.
Magic ratio. When the number of everyday positive interactions between people significantly outweighs the number of negative, creating a buffer that helps keep conflict healthy. (In marriage, for example, the magic ratio is 5 to 1, according to research by psychologists Julie and John Gottman.)
Crock pot. A shorthand term for the issue that a conflict appears to be about, on the surface, when it is really about something else (see Understory).
Understory. The thing the conflict is really about, underneath the usual talking points (see Crock pot).
Online Resources
Here is a link to Amanda Ripley’s list of discussion questions. Some of them you can answer from your personal experience with conflict even if you haven’t read the book.
https://www.amandaripley.com/blog/discussion-questions-for-high-conflict
Here’s a solid review from the NYTimes (no paywall).
Session Schedule
Our format ensures that everyone gets to speak. Our goal in the Dialogue Group is not just to discuss valuable topics but also to develop the skills and habits of good dialogue.
7:00 welcome, settling in
7:05 introductory words, intentions, ground rules, do-not-disturb, chalice lighting
7:10 opening comments. 2 minutes each: introduce yourself, questions or comments about the chapters we’re discussing, or for that matter what you’d like to say about any part of the topic
7:30 suggestions for topics and questions to discuss (might be obvious)
7:35 forty minutes of open conversation (alternatively, 50 minutes with a 10-minute break in the middle)
8:15 last words, 1 minute each for closing comments or thoughts about future sessions
8:25 closing words
8:29 optional group photo
8:30 done
“High Conflict” in Unitarian-Universalist Communities
Ever since 2017, the UU community has been in “high conflict” over the national leaders’ political agenda, so for us this book is timely. The section on gang violence is interesting but doesn’t much apply to our experience. The section on conflicts within a liberal Jewish community, on the other hand, parallels our own experience in a lot of ways.
More Resources for Better Dialogues
See also this post: https://jonathan-tweet.blogspot.com/2022/03/resources-for-better-dialogues.html
